I had a little moment in the drizzle this morning - where I thought… it feels like car crash weather. I immediately stopped myself because, hey - that sounds very jinx-y. I then thought about how it has been some time since I’d seen a car crash. I had to have a stern talking to myself because at this point I felt like I was basically summoning my car into a pole. About 10 seconds later I came up the hill to a car, with a crumpled in side, being collected by a tow truck.
There was the car crash I summoned.
I think, sometimes your intuition screams something - but you dismiss it and try to not think about it because you think that thinking about it is what makes it true. But it’s already true.. maybe it’s already happened and you just need to get out of your own way and accept it. To let it in.
Maybe you aren’t summoning it, you just haven’t really seen it yet.
My friends have been hearing me talk about the same topic for about two years now. Sporadically, and each a different piece of the puzzle.. but I know they are well and truly over it. My brain, however, feels like it’s drip feeding me pieces of memories from the fog. I wished i’d had the full picture years ago so I could have unleashed it all at once on my unsuspecting victims (friends), so I could simply process it like the dirty big bulk slab of lunchmeat it is and let it go.
But for some reason I can’t look at it. Not directly. I feel like thinking about it summons it.. but - I know so much already exists and I just haven’t really seen it yet.
What if - hypothetically - this didn’t start 3 years ago. What if it started 20 years ago? Or 40 years ago even - if we broaden the scope.
I’ve been down this path mentally before, it’s what carried me across the line into PTSD. There was too much for me to unpack all at once and there was no source of truth.. I still don’t quite think I’m ready to - delve deep into everything. And there is still no reliable source of truth.
When I was little I always used to ask “why are there no photos of me as a baby?”, and my mother would say “by the time you get to four kids, you don’t have time”… I feel like, that’s not entirely true..
… my dad was a professional photographer.
Why did she cut all my hair so short so I looked like a boy?
I think there’s this thing when you grow up with narcissists - that the truth is moulded to be so many things that periodically shift and change, that you always live in a dream-like world. And it’s only when you fully remove yourself that you realise the full extent of that fact.
I’m not sure of the extent of where I am - in photos, in songs.. maybe you’ve heard me, maybe you’ve seen me. Maybe you know a me I never met. A me I forgot. One day, maybe someone will tell me about it.
Stay safe, it’s car crash weather out x
